I Swear I Lived
by impossible123
Summary: {SPOILERS S9 EP 8} I was so intrigued about what would have happened to whouffaldi after the Nightmare Scenario. Enjoy! (rated K for first 2 chapter, K /T for last)
1. Still Alive

_**A/N: This idea has been on my mind for ages! Hope you enjoy it! **_

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The TARDIS door opened with the old familiar creak. Clara was flipping some switches on the console, programming the time machine to an orbit around Earth. The Doctor entered the machine slowly before closing the door, around to the console quietly. In fact... It was odd for him to be /this/ quiet. Clara thought of starting a conversation with the Doctor. The curiosity overtook her. "So, you must have thought I was dead for a while?" She said as she continued flipping switches casually. The time lord was just near her, pressing some more controls. "Yeah." The Doctor cut short. "How was that?" She asked out of simple curiosity. "Longest month of my life." He replied halfheartedly. Clara almost chuckled as she said, "It could only have been five minutes." An odd silence aroused in the console. "I'll be the judge of time." He said with his low purring voice. Her slight smile just melted down as fast as it had appeared and she stopped pressing any more controls as soon as she noticed he wasn't joking; it almost made the companion's heart skip a beat.

He was dead serious.

That the Doctor was_ very_ afraid of losing her.

The time lord walked to the other side of companion. The latter looked up to him and noticed his sadness, before the Gallifreyan pulled the lever, making the TARDIS dematerialize. The Doctor forced a very weak sad smile, trying his best to fool himself... That he _hadn't _put his Clara at risk.

The time lord walked to the stairs, giving way to the upper floor she liked to call; the pit stop library. She bit her lip, hesitating to ask him yet another question. But Clara soon called him. "Doctor?"

He turned, his long bony fingers curled around the cold metal handrail just as he placed his foot on the first step. "Can I... stay on the TARDIS? For another while? I kind of feel tired and I think it's best to get some rest before returning to Earth."

The Doctor showed a sad smile again. "Yeah. It's your home too after all Clara." The time lord turned and continued climbing up, walking around and taking random books and flipping them.

Clara stared at the control column. It pulsed in empathy. She knew what the companion had just gone through and the machine felt that Clara was still feeling somewhat disorientated after what had happened, not to mention she could also feel her thief's distress. The companion sighed before walking to the nearest corridor, her high heeled boots echoing through the TARDIS.

Clara entered the kitchen. The Doctor was already there, still wearing his outfit. He turned to look at her as soon as he had heard the sound of her virtually silent footsteps. The Doctor's lips curled ever so slightly before melting away and returning back to making his sandwich having some sort of alien spread, bacon, lettuce, cheese and some caviar. Clara was already in her pajamas (just a sleeveless baby blue top having 2 white bunnies printed on it and 3/4 trousers having the same colour), had taken her make-up off and collected her hair in a small pony tail. She had to admit, sometimes that short hair used to get her on her nerves when it was down.

She walked towards the electric kettle (which was just 2 steps away from the Doctor) and switched it on, taking out a mug and a spoon from the cupboard and adding a green tea teabag. The water soon boiled and Clara added the water slowly. She left the teabag in the mug before turning to the Doctor, who was just staring at his partially dismantled sandwich; caviar and spread were on the bread, but the lettuce and ham were still on the plate. She let her arm wrap around the Doctor's letting her cheek lean against his arm. The time lord sighed. "You don't have to be sad, daft old man. You saved the world." Clara breathed, but her friend shook his head.

"You don't understand, Clara. I almost got you killed. I put you in d-" The Doctor stopped abruptly as he felt the girl's soft, warm palm cradling his cheek. He turned, noticing she was looking at him, with her painfully beautiful eyes showing such mercy to a man who deserved none.

"I'm still here Doctor. You _saved_ me too." She could notice his eyes were starting to fill with tears he was desperately trying to hold back.

"But what about when the Daleks almost killed you on Skaro... and... and the Fisher King, aye?" He sniffed. A small tear made its way down his cheek. "What about when _I_ almost killed you?" He continued.

Clara forced a smile. "But I'm still alive, aren't I?" She swept the tear from his cheek with her thumb. It was so smooth against his rough, wrinkled skin. "And it's all thanks to you. You never gave up on me..." she chuckled slightly "or on the human race, for that matter." The Doctor also tried his best to smile... but he couldn't help but still feel the guilt continue eating him from the inside.

"Doctor, I am_ completely_ aware of the dangers. But I love travelling with _you_ so much, it's the only reason I live for." The time lord felt a hard lump in his throat. He wanted to say it. He _needed_ to say it. To _her. _

That he loved her too much not to care.

That _she_ was the only reason he lived for. If it hadn't been for her, he would have gone insane. But she was always there to calm him whenever he felt like he was going mad.

"But I have a duty of care, Clara." He could simply breathe.

"And don't you think I don't have a duty of care for you too, daft old man." She said with a laugh.

"Oh Clara Clara Clara." He breathed with broken eyes as he took Clara's hand delicately from his cheek, closed it slowly, as if her hand was the most fragile thing in the Universe, and pressed his lips to her knuckles. How he hoped she knew what kind of duty of care he was talking about... To what extremes he was ready to go in order to see that his Clara was safe, alive. And happy.

Even if it took lying to her... Even if he was used to lying... He couldn't lie to her anymore. Both because she knew him all too well, and also because he would feel weak in the knees every time he tries. And the more time spent together, the harder it felt to lie... Or even control his feelings towards her.

(And sometimes, she couldn't either...)

But he _would _lie, for her sake, if ever the need comes, just like in Danny's case.

Only Clara had used the same strategy to let him go to the still unfound Gallifrey. None of them knew they were /both/ in pain for losing each other.

They stayed so for a while, before the companion moved towards the Doctor, tiptoeing before leaving a sweet, prolonged kiss on his cheek. "I'll be alright, my daft old man." The Gallifreyan smiled before returning the kiss, pressing his chapped lips to her hair, breathing in her scent, radiating sweetness and love. He could almost /feel/ the latter.

"I think it's best if I go sleep for a bit. It's been quite a day." She said.

"Oh yes sure." said the Doctor, as he let go of her hand. Clara turned back to the green tea, which was, surprisingly, still warm. She took it, wrapping her fingers around it.

"See you later, Doctor" The companion said with a wide smile.

"Good night, Clara Oswald."

The Doctor walked towards his companion's room. He had just finished eating his sandwich and decided to make some maintenance work on the TARDIS' controls.

Anything to keep himself busy; warding off any toxic thoughts in his mind which would make him go insane.

He knocked slowly on the door in the lightest way possible so not to wake her up if she was asleep.

As she in fact was.

The room was relatively dark, he could only make Clara's form by the stars from a far away galaxy which reflected light onto her. He smiled at the thought of seeing his companion so peaceful, wrapped in a bundle of blankets. He walked to the other side of the room, near her bedside table. She was sleeping on her side, holding a book, using her thumb as a bookmark, and her hair obscured her beautiful, angelic face. He tucked her hair gently behind her ear, revealing Clara's face. The Doctor then slowly took the book off her hands, before looking at the cover.

The Professor by Charlotte Bronte

Oh Clara Clara Clara... He thought, before placing the bookmark which his human had placed on the table and placed the book instead of it.

He tucked the soft blankets under her chin before pressing a soft kiss on her temple. Clara groaned and pulled the sheets over her head before starting to snore softly. The Doctor chuckled silently. Clara loved showing him videos of sleeping cats being disturbed by their owners; either with a feather, or with a poke... before covering their face with their "soft toe beaned fluffy mittens"... as Clara used to call them. The Doctor would show some disgust, to his companion's disapproval. But quite naturally for the Doctor, he would feel his hearts melt at the sight of his companion looking at her ummmm... what's it called... Inbook?... Instant? feed with large eyes and awwwing at the sight of such earthly cuddliness. She was his little kitten; reckless, painfully beautiful and (he dared say) cute, always ready to learn from her superiors.

Only the Doctor didn't feel like her superior. Yes... The Doctor was the Doctor... And he needed to ward her off any dangers only /he/ could handle, no matter how large her eyes would inflate to weaken him. She had taught him much... And yes, she /was/ his weakness. But he didn't care. He had his fragile human. She was happy and... Safe. His smile vanished. Safe... He can't keep her safe, not if they always fall into traps, and dangerous adventures, as she walkways demands. What if they separate them and torture her. God knows what would become of her if he would arrive too late. Because he knew; she wouldn't lose any chance to show how strong and unbreakable she is, and wouldn't hold back from replying to her torture's nasty comments. She lives for the adrenaline rush, and feeling special. All those times she as tortured, she became more physically strong (he would even dare say that she had also become psychologically stronger. Not as much though).

The time lord sighed silently as he caressed Clara's scruffed hair softly, still snoring under the sheets. For now she was safe, and happy, and warm. That's all that mattered.

The Doctor walked towards the door, looking back at his snoring bundle of joy before walking out the door and closing it virtually silently.

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**_A/N: updating ASAP! Feedback appreciated as always! _**


	2. Still alive, too

_**A/N: Back with another chapter! **_

_**Hope you enjoy it! **_

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The time lord sat up from his bed immediately as he heard the sound of her desperate scream. He had just finished taking a shower after giving the old girl a check-up and had retired to his bedroom, wearing casual trousers and a warm dark brown holey jumper, reading Einstein's 'lost' papers.

But as soon as he heard the companion desperately screaming out his name repeatedly accompanied by other screams of denial, he couldn't help but feel his hearts skip a beat. He felt a heat flush taking over as adrenaline started to travel through his veins, ready for anything. The time lord immediately threw the papers on the huge double bed, ran out of the room in search of his companion's.

The shouting had abruptly stopped, and that was when he ran faster than before, fearing the worst.

He burst into her barely lighted room, seeing dimmly her form; sitting in the middle of the bed, cupping her hands to her mouth, her eyes bulging and filled with tears. "Clara." He simply breathed and in mere seconds, he was sitting on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. Her eyes wouldn't budge from looking at the fixed position on the wall in front of her. "It's ok. It's ok." He mumbled into her hair, playing with her short locks.

The Doctor didn't care about the fact that he had problems with social interactions (or even having the large eyes which he totally aborrhed). When it comes to his Clara, he remembers everything she had told him on how to be kind, gentle, and caring.

And on how to be a Doctor.

He tucked her damp hair behind her ear, and slowly removing her hands from in front of her lips and pulling her in a hug. "It was just a dream... just a dream..." He breathed in her ear, rocking her side by side to calm her from the screaming thoughts in her mind. But his companion was still very very shocked, and so he pulled back, still seeing her with eyes wide open in fear, filled with tears to the brim. "Clara, what's wrong?" He asked as the Doctor let his long, thin fingers pass through her short hair. The companion double breathed, her bottom lip trembling slightly. The Doctor kissed her temple, and it was only _then_ when Clara turned towards the time lord slowly, who forced a weak smile of comfort.

"You... You almost died, Doctor." She double breathed. "I was... I was watching from Bonnie's eyes and I felt so helpless." Clara sniffed. "You almost got... You almost got..." She couldn't continue. She wept and bawled, holding her face in her hands. He almost gasped. He couldn't believe she was blaming herself for something which she actually helped avoid.

"You saved me Clara." He said, still letting his fingers pass through her silky hair. "You saved me and Osgood. It was you who let Bonnie fire in the wrong direction." The girl's sobbing decreased, letting the shield down, revealing her large bloodshot eyes. "And you gave me and Osgood enough time to grab out parachutes and escape." The Doctor smiled as he cupped his hand to her cheek, delicately wiping away the tears. "I would have died a long time ago if it weren't for you, Clara. The timestream, the new regeneration cycle..." He sighed. "And when I was going to burn Gallifrey, you, Clara Oswald, saved me from myself... quite literally. " He grinned, and Clara let out a weak laugh. She could barely hold it together when the Doctor showed his teeth... it was just something that he rarely does, especially with his solemn, rebel character.

But he would do anything to see Clara smile again.

The air soon turned sombre again, as Clara's remorse returned to haunt her. Tears reformed in her eyes as she shook her head, but the Doctor was quick to pull her in another embrace, letting her shout and cry in his chest. He kissed her forehead, tried to soothe her with calming words, with no success. She was too stubborn to listen to him. "I know how it feels Clara. But I was never going to leave you alone. Not even dead. I would have regenerated or something but I would have never left you alone. Not this time." He said. "So you're stuck with me." He could feel Clara's smile had returned, even if for a short period, before sniffing.

"You trust me, don't you Clara?" He heard her sniff in his shirt.

"It's not the point, Doctor; of course I trust you. But I'm still so scared of losing you. I only let you go once, after Danny died, and I almost couldn't get myself to do anything. But as long as I thought that you were happy, I would have done anything."

"If only I'd known." He breathed in her hair. After a while, the pair pulled away from each other. The Doctor looked into her huge orbs. "I promise you Clara, I will keep you safe. Cross my hearts and hope to die." The time lord said as he made an ''x" sign on both sides of his chests.

The companion smiled lightly. "And I shall try my best to stay out of trouble." He smiled at her innocence and kissed her forehead, cupping his hands on her cheeks wet with tears. He then dried them with the back of his hand, feeling his skin caress her softer, unblemished skin.

"Go back to sleep, Clara. It's only been 3 hours and you humans spend so much of your life asleep." He told her with such love and sweetness.

Clara broke the eye contact, her voice weak and raspy, "I'm not tired anymore." She couldn't bare to look in his eyes, so she just played with her fingers.

"I'm still here, Clara." The Doctor reassured her once again.

"I could say the same to you, daft old man." Clara said as she continued playing with her thumbs. The time lord swallowed thickly. His only reply was pressing another sweet kiss to her hair. That sweet smelling hair which reminded him of Gallifrey so much. Of a particular nanny who used to take care of him when he was just a time tot; always playing with the sophisticated toys. The woman imprinted so vividly in his memory used to take care of him...

He never knew what happened to that time lady. But now he was definitely sure that she was Clara -her echo- who had taken care of him and patiently taught him how to love, how to save...

And how to be a Doctor.

But he had to try... With his own method, of course, to cheer his human up. Just then, he had a light bulb moment. "Do you remember that time when you convinced me to dress as Rudolph for the kids?"

She bit her bottom lip before the companion started laughing. "Oh my goodness Doctor, I thought you'd never mention it again." Her arms curled around her stomach as she continued laughing, leaning forward. "You didn't even need any red blusher to make your cheeks a little redder." The Doctor _r__eally_ didn't want to recall that memory, but he looked at his Clara with a sad smile and he saw her laugh, it changed to a giggle. He had to admit... Her laugh was _extremely_ contagious.

And so they stayed laughing. "And remember when the Year 2 children ran after you when they saw you dressed with costume and all." Clara continued laughing and the Doctor was trying to gather some breath to reply.

"Don't you _ever_ tell me to do..." He laughs yet again, before recomposing himself. "... to do it again." And they continued rocking with laughter and tears of happiness in their eyes, before it started to calm down.

"I really really needed this." Said Clara, still slightly hysterical. "Thank you." She breathed, wearing a bright smile.

"Still not tired?" The Doctor asked, but Clara's smile faded.

"Are you going to do more TARDIS maintenance?" The time lord did his best to decipher the meaning of what she had said, the weak and slightly trembling tone she said it in, before he understood, and a gentle, empathetic smile formed.

_I__ don't want to be left alone again, Doctor. _

"If you wish, I can stay near you." Clara's heart lightened and her eyes shone bright once again, as so did her smile. They stared at each other for a while, but the Doctor was soon able to shake himself from the moment. "Then come on, chop chop, it's past your bedtime." Clara giggled before lying down in the bed again. The Doctor, who was still sitting on the bed near her tucked the edge of the quilt under her chin before sitting down next to her, his back upright against the headboard. His palm travelled over her forehead and hair. Clara, of course, began humming contently, but still didn't have the urge to sleep. So the Doctor started humming a beautiful song, his voice so soothing and deep, to which Clara couldn't help herself but close her eyes and imagine nature. Not just any old nature on Earth, though.

It was Gallifreyan nature.

Orange planes, open fields of red grass... Vast mountain ranges with caps of snow... The suns shining upon the planet... It was beautiful...

Remnants of her echoes were still there, even if the bulk of the memories such as Gallifreyan itself were hidden and locked deep within her mind.

And the Doctor continued humming, changing tone after a few seconds, and went from smoothing her hair to drawing circular patterns on her forehead. Clara could just hear the wind howling on Gallifrey, some fireworks in her mind here and there... Before gradually falling asleep, accompanied by the Doctor's mellow voice.

The time lord looked at his peaceful companion. Thank goodness she didn't understand gallifreyan anymore. Clara would have thought it was a lullaby which his echo used to sing to him to sleep. But oh, no no... Of course, he had sung it to her before when she needed to sleep.

Yet, _this_ was a more... _intimate_ song...

It consisted of the solemn wedding vows that the gallifreyan newlyweds would sing to each other during their wedding.

_To love, to protect and to care for you, my sweet flower, my eternal wife, now and ever more._

_I shall care for you all my lives, honor you in every way, every day of our lives. And even if I shall pass into the halls of our fathers, I shall never leave you alone. For you, my flower, are mine, and I am yours, for eternity._

But this was for time lord weddings...

_even if I shall pass into the halls of our fathers__..._ The haunting reality returned to him. She would leave him one day. And it would hurt so much that he won't be able to breathe.

But till that day comes, he will continue to protect her and lay the Universe at her feet, and making every single day with her count.

Because _she_ was his Universe and he would always protect her; at all costs.

Both their days were numbered.

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_**A/N: hope you enjoyed this chapter! Feedback appreciated as always! **_


	3. Trust Me

_**A/N: HAPPY EASTER! I'm so sorry I couldn't post this chapter before! **_

_**So here it is! The final chapter! Nothing special; but I hope you still enjoy it! **_

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When Clara woke up, she was surrounded by warmth like no other. She stirred, still feeling the Doctor surrounding her. Yet, there was a loud snoring noise in the room. "Doctor, you're making too much noise." She mumbled angrily, nuzzling herself closer into the Doctor's jumper. After a short while of trying to sleep, the companion gave up. She sat up, having a bed head, eyes half closed at the Doctor. "Oy, daft old man." She said, poking his chest with her index finger. The Doctor woke up with a jump, looking around in panic, as if he was expecting a swarm of Daleks or cybermen had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

In his TARDIS.

His eyebrows knitted as soon as he saw Clara looking at him with such anger. "You have to stop snoring." She pulled away from the Doctor's grasp, still angry, throwing the blankets off of her, before placing them back again. "I'm going off to the bathroom. Meanwhile, you practise your silent sleeping skills." He saw her shuffling towards the door. The time Lord laughed. She would sometimes behave so when he's woken her up In the middle of a sleep cycle.

He shivered.

It was true, he was feeling quite cold. Especially when there wasn't his Clara. He would feel his cold hearts soften up when Clara was near. He would feel the love radiate from her as soon as she's in his proximity. He would feel-

At that moment, Clara came back, a little less angry than when she had left the room. She still had a bedhead, and he found that rather cute. Humans... Hishuman.

She slipped under the red blanket and looked the other way. The Gallifreyan continued to look at her, mesmerised by such a creature. As time passed by, he could tell by her breathing pattern that she was still awake, as if she couldn't sleep. After a while, she turned, looking towards him. "I can't sleep." She murmurs, avoiding all eye contact with him. His lips curled into a soft smile, his eyebrows soft; he opened his arm to let her into his aura again. She slithered slowly towards him, before wrapping her arm around him, relaxing into his form. The Doctor suddenly felt anxious as reality hit him. They were under the /same/ blanket. His heart rate speeded up involuntarily, enough for Clara to notice and sit up. "What's wrong, Doctor?" This time, she looked genuinely concerned.

"Um... Um... Nothing. Go back to sleep." He hesitated.

"Doctor, I can't go back to sleep if your heart rate is sky rocketing. And besides... Why should I ignore it?" The Doctor found it difficult to speak and Clara's hand travelled across his chest, to which he flinched. The girl suddenly look hurt as she too flinched her hand back. "Oh. Sorry, too much contact." She looked pained as she moved back from him. "I didn't even take the right blanket." Clara breathed a laugh uneasily.

He felt kind of guilty that he still wasn't that used to too much physical contact, and so placed his hand on her shoulder cautiously, to prevent her from going under the blankets. "Would you help me get used to it? I don't want to push you back anymore." He held his breath as Clara thought.

He released a sigh as soon as she started making her way towards him, very slowly, not to frighten him away. "I'm no psychologist; I don't even have a doctor's degree, but do you know why this bothering you?" She said, as she gently placed her hand over his shoulder. He flinched. "We've been like this before, Doctor." She said.

He bit his lower lip. "I just can't keep myself from thinking that-" He swallowed. Clara had the 'oh' moment. "I'm scared of getting too attached, Clara. I'll lose you. I'll lose you too."

His eyes started glistening, but Clara hushed him. "Hey, hey. It's OK. No need to cry. I'm still here." She placed a kiss to his temple.

"Can I... Can I rest my ear on your chest?" she asked cautiously. "I want to hear your heartbeat again."

The time lord swallowed uneasily before giving her consent.

"Don't worry, Doctor." She said as she rested her ear back on his chest. "if you hate it just tell me."

He nodded hastily, still eyeing his companion. The Doctor soon loosened up. She wasn't going to do anything. And besides... Even if she's human, can't he have this time of peace with her before she leaves?

"Good?" She asked.

He nodded.

"Just rest." She said, as she sat up and placed her fingers through his soft hair. "I'm not going to hurt you. And nothing's going to happen to me."

Clara looked into his eyes, her fingers combing through his fluffy hair. He didn't keep flinching under her touch. He started leaning into it, feeling her soft finger tips. She then took his hand and placed it on her cheek. He cupped her cheek delicately, stroking it, savouring the texture of her smooth skin under his fingers. "I never thought you could feel so soft." He said.

Clara Oswald had understood the Doctor's greatest fear;

Falling in love.

Getting too emotionally attached to a person, to a significant other, who would ultimately leave him.

No wonder he was always hostile towards emotions. He had already done too much by revealing his thoughts to Clara. Not that he didn't trust her... But it was in the Doctor's nature to stay cautious.

"You're still scared." The girl breathed as her hand stroked his chest, her eyes locked in his.

Soon enough, the Doctor's eyes were flooded with such tears of pain. Such anguish. "You have no infinity, Clara. You will wither and die. You'll leave me, whether you want it or not. You all do. And I stay here, all alone..." Yet his fingers couldn't leave her soft flesh.

"There's always a present, Doctor. I'm here, right now." She said, with such a soft smile that made his knees go all weak, thank goodness he was sitting on a bed. Her hand slipped off his cheek, she took his palm and wrapped his arms around her, as she laid back down and placed her nose just under the crook of his neck, breathing in his stardust. "Just enjoy the present." She could feel his hearts pounding as the pulse travelled through his artery. Oh damn it felt so good. Emotions flooded Clara. She had always wanted to be this intimate with the Doctor. It seemed impossible, and yet, she was impossible too, right?

Clara's hand laid on the Doctor's holed jumper, precisely around his waist, to which he shivered. She soon removed it, chuckling lightly. "Sorry... I'm rushing." The time lord wrapped his fingers around her hand, and placed it again on his stomach gently, pressing it slowly into the jumper, even if he could, through his flesh.

"Please." He simply pleaded. The time lord didn't look scared anymore. He looked... Serene. Yet, he was also trying to fight his inner demons. And right now, he was winning.

Clara moved closer near the Doctor, whilst the latter held her closer to him, wanting her to never let go.

They looked into each other's eyes as they felt each other's pulse on their skin. "Doctor... I-" Her mouth went dry, swallowing thickly. What if she blows it off now?

The Doctor smiled gently. And he simply purred, in his sweet Scottish voice. "I know." He pressed a soft kiss to her hair, before pulling back again and locking his gaze into her eyes. "Me too."

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_**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback (even constructive criticism) is greatly appreciated! **_


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